Dodging teh FAT

So... I'm tender, bloated, not pregnant and wondering wtf is up with it all.   My thyroid levels may be awry... waiting for the call back from my Dr's office (left a message yesterday saying they needed to discuss them with me after my draw on Monday) so that could be some of it.

I've not been to the gym in a month.  That's all on me.  Yeah, I haven't felt well, but, still... I'm NOT going to feel better if I don't get out to the gym now, am I?

I've maintained a couple of pounds lost, though, and hope to keep that moving in the right direction.  I think I'm going to brew up some elderberry tea in order to flush my system and perk it back up, too.

Jonah and I have, as I've announced on my other journal, decided to have another baby.  We really would love it to be a son (though the thought of more filly dresses and daughters with big sisters thrills me, too, frankly) ... so we're watching ovulation and hope to hit the best moment to hedge our bets a bit.

There has been a LOT of stress the last month, too... with illness (sinus and viral crap) and a car accident (involving my van, but not me) I've let it get to me.  That's never good, eh?  Working out will help THAT, too. 

It's cold but sunny today and I feel like I need to get a handle on myself and my body.  I went to see my ob/gyn this week to discuss pregnancy and my other conditions.  I have the go-ahead from her to start trying and we're off all measures of birth control.... I've been eating well (at home, lots of veggies and fruit, limited red meat, limited sweet things other than fruit) and am doing much better for it with my toilet-time. 

Letting go, revving up, allowing my life and my soul to take off... these are the things I am concentrating on and planning to make happen.  Spring is about re-birth, no?  It shall be MY re-birth and hopefully the beginning of a new phase for our family, too!

I wish my phone would ring with the endo's nurse... I'm eager to find out my results and get them settled.

 Surprise! Despite eating high-salt food yesterday (tortilla chips at lunch and grilled cheese at dinner) I'm down another pound today!  YEAHY for bloat finding its way OUT of my body finally!!!!   This is one of the good things about die-off... my body starts behaving again!  And this all during ovulation... excellent :)

Last night I had a lot more energy than I've had in a while, even though I was still horridly exhausted.  I actually got some housework done and a lot done on my business!  My headaches are also fading and my bloat is decreasing... looks like die-off is winding down! YEAHY!

This morning I've had a couple of horrid poos... total die-off poos.  I haven't had any spinich or anything else of the like to account for the color otherwise.  They're also grainy and loose... the first one was almost liquid... so I think my body's working really hard to flush this crap out finally! Too bad they're so totally foul... I mean... oh my God.   That's die-off for ya, though!!!!!

No gym again this morning... just can't do it.  If I still feel better this afternoon, however, I may go then.

*yawn* I'm going to nap for another hour right now, though, before I get ready for work.  There's been a weather change that isn't helping me and I was up late last night talking with my hubs about some big decisions we have to make.

The mega-doses of Vit D for the last three weeks are helping a lot.  My hands hurt far less than they have an my weight has stopped rising and is slowly beginning to fall.   I'm still bloated to hell and sooooo fucking tired I can barely stand at the end of the work day, but we're moving through that, too.

I need to get back to the gym.  I developed a nasty sinus infection and did a week of antibiotics last week.  It's already been 2 weeks since my last visit and I just can't get my ass moving in the morning.

I'm taking slippery elm and mallow root teas to assist in the gut healing... the antibiotics fucked me badly and I've spent this entire week in massive, exhausting die-off (jarvis-herxheimer reaction) from it.  I can't find my activated charcoal and, frankly, am too tired to get to the proper store for more.  I've been craving fruit and citrus, so giving in to those cravings assuming my body needs the C for detox.  Tonight I plan to clean my bathroom so I can really, really, REALLY enjoy some time in the tub with epsom salts, coconut milk, petouli and music.  That should help extract toxins as well.  Sweating them out in the gym would be the best option, but I don't know when I'll feel up to that again, frankly.

...

So, that's it.  I'm tightening up my foods again and being pretty good about them mostly.  My carb ratios are still way off, but I'm getting back there.  The exhaustion from this all is mind-numbing, however, and I really just need to get trhough it all, ya know? 

I also am trying not to eat out often any more... for $ and also because I don't feel as well since very few places can actually control cross-contaminaiton to the level I require.

So, a call from my rhum shows my vitamin D is very low (low teens should be around 30 to 50, I believe) and that my vit B12 is mildly low. Gr.

Now, I've not been taking my multis as I should... I've only been taking one dose a day (100% vit D) most of the time...so I'll double that and it will be enough Bs... but... WTF with the D!  

*sighs*

This would help explain my crushing exhaustion, increased pain, both in joints and muscles (starting, not surprisingly, in Oct, when I came in out of hte sun for the winter) and the increadible amount of weight I've been packing in (20 lbs in under 4 months without any drastic changes to lifestyle) and psoriatic flares ...  so a script will be called into my pharmacy today most likely and I'll be taking an ass-load of D on top of my multis.

Good times.

I HOPE this helps... if my levels don't get to where they need to be I might take advantage of the tanning options at the gym (it's free with my membership) and just get a little extra that way, too.  I looked into light boxes, but it's actually the UV that triggers Vit. D production so they won't help with that.  Bah.  I'll be the only one in the tanning booth with my shorts and tank top on and sunscreen on my face and shoulders, ha ha ha!

WEIGHT
so, the scale is totally stuck at 278 (puke) ... I was SO close to 250 before I started backsliding!!!!  I can't believe I went from 255 to 278 since fucking August.  I FEEL it, too... it's not just the tight clothes and bloated looking face, I feel it in my joints and my movement and my life.  *Sighs*  I am going to have to re-count my paperclip strand and take off the extra clips... I've now only lost 72 lbs, not 80+. Poop.  I will add more later when the scale starts to catch up with the extra exercize.

EXERCIZE
BUT I got to the gym again today... that's twice this week so far for aeobic treadmilling... no weights this week, I just don't feel up to it and don't want to trigger anything... however I have gotten up a great sweat and kept my heart rate over 130 (and under 145)  for 20 min (my resting heart rate is in the mid 80s, usually right at 83).    Right about 20 min with the treadmill set at 2.5 incline and 3.5 mph I start getting a stitch in my side and really feeling it in my muscles, so that's my warm-down point.  I'm hoping that before too long it takes 25 min, then 30, then up to an hour to get to that point with ever increasing inclines.  We'll see, though!   Once I can do a full half hour at that speed on the treadill, I'll start doing the eliptical every other day and once I'm going every day I'll add the weights back in on treadmill days.

I only got to the gym once last week and felt like crap for it... no excuses this time; I will go again on Saturday to make my 3x this week!

It's hard to be patient.... but I know what rushing into this doe to me.

HEALTH AND NUTRITION
So... it's bleed-week.  Today was cramping and the dire-rear is here for a couple of days in response.  Being a woman is so glamerous. GAH!  That make me feel a *little* better that the scale is right where it started three weeks ago when I joined the gym.   Also knowing that I *am* building muscle, which *does* weigh more per square inch than fat helps a lot.   I need to get those models mom gave me out for inspiration!!!!

I'm not doing as well with my nutrition as I'd like.  I did finally cut sugar back to zilch (I'd really been letting it in again! Eeep!) and diet soda's gone as well.  Diet soda is SO much harder for me to cut than sugar, which seems silly but is the truth of it.   Damn toxic crap.  At least there's no mercury laden High Fructose Corn Syrup hanging around!  Any of you reading this who haven't see the research paper on that, btw, let me know with an e-mail address and I'll forward it to you.

Otherwise, I'm tightening up my eating slowly but surely.  Carbs are sooo hard.  I do love them so much!!!!  I'm getting better slowly, but still have to watch it.  I seem to do ok until the last minute in the evening then devour something like potato chips or french fries!   Silly... I have plenty of fruit and other healthy stuffs in the house I could eat instead!

I know my candida's flaring again and was starting to take a cleanse but realized that until I get my nutrition back on track (I've stopped calling it 'diet' due to the negative social implications and how it is percieved by my girls) it is stupid to do a cleanse because I'll just be feeding the stronger yeast with my poor eating habits and making things worse in the long-run.   I"m eating better, though, and overall am eating less (craving less) so I think I've already starte to get things under control.

I got up and have clothes and stuff but REALLY don't feel well in the tummy (bad, bad, bad tummy day saturday thanks to a pint of (no sugar added, reduced fat) ice cream. GAH... so bad, that cramping!)  I feel like a lout not going to the gym this morning but my stomach REALLY hurts still and I don't think I could do it.

I also ate a fuckton fo sugar yesterday because I'm an idot.  Sooo... today I am going to start a candida cleanse and get back on track.

If all goes well, I will go to the gym tonight instead of this morning and do my full routine.  For now, though, I'm going to get another hour of sleep and then throw together some breakfast and lunch foods before work.

Yesterday's workout has caught up to me.  I don't remember if I posted or not, but I did a full 20 of cardio on treadmill (plus warm up and semi-warm down) then one circuit in the circuit training room (about 15 minutes).   I can do between 40 and 50 lbs for 15-20 reps on all the arm machines, 100 on the ab machines and 150-200 on the leg machines, all with at least 15 reps, or 10 reps, 2 sets.   I will be working up to a half hour of pure cardio (plus warm-up), a full half hour (2-3 circuits) in the circuit training room and then another 15 min. on the treadmill as a warm-down 3x a week and a half hour to an hour on treadmill (with half an hour of cardio) the other four days a week.  I expect this to take at least three months to work up to.

So... today I'm sore, but not horrendously so.  Considering I had a rhum exam where I was poked and (gently) prodded on my trigger points, I think I'm doing pretty damn well.  I was bone-tired last night and had trouble staying awake both at work and home come evening, but that's my norm right now (ugh... is it still die-off or do I have a candida flare or is it the fibro or just *me*???) I came away from that appt with scripts for celebrex and ultracet to help me get through this next couple of months while revving up my routine without the pain stopping me.  I hate those meds, particularly the Celebrex... but it's just short-term.  I will fill those scripts tonight so long as my paycheck gets posted today.

My main complaint today is that I'm soooo swollen!  I think it's 50% the weight training and 50% that fucking chili I got from Wendys yesterday with the MSG.  I also have heartburn and I really need to back off the nightshades (potatoes in particular) for a while.  I brought chicken and peas for lunch and have 2 small apples and orange and a grapefruit to snack on (trying to dose hard on the vit. C to help detox).

I've been doing ok with my vitamins.  I usually get one dose and often 2 during the day here at work.  I have both of Futurebiotics' women's multis that are available in my local market... Energy Plus and Hair, Skin and Nails.  They have slightly different formulations and get some of the minerals/vits from different sources, so I like to take both rather than two doses of one of them.  So far so good... I feel better, eat less and have better nails on them.

I am out of L-Glutamine... just occured to me that the heartburn came back when that ran out. I will pick up some more.  The L-Lysine is doing amazing things for my thyroid health... very little hair loss (NORMAL amounts!!!!), my eyebrows are thickening, especially in the outer third, no goiter or trouble swallowing... I'm really impressed.  I will have to look into the other aminos and maybe try the amino acid suppliments that have them all, though those are primarily soy based and I worry about tha a little... not terribly, though, since it seems to be the soy protien as a whole molecule I have trouble with (no real issue with the oil, though I'm careful not to have too much, or the fermented bean).

...

OK, back at it. Time to push the water, take my first batch of vits and maybe have some fruit while I actually *Gasp* get work done!

So, this AM I woke stiff but not sore... I did, however, choose not to go back to the gym today as I didn't get enough sleep last night (playing cheerleader for Laurel's homework-a-thon and then Anna coming into our bed about 1:30 due to leg pain) and am afraid of triggering another flare.  

I'm doing ok, however.

Tomorrow is my training session on the circuit training room and I'm really looking forward to it :)  I finished my treadmill yesterday (which I think has been really good since it's hower impact on my joints than the pavement of walking outside, I'm not having the pain I did doing shoerter, less intense walks in the neighborhood) and I wanted to do more but was unsure about the machines... it was also crowded and, unlike when I go in the early mornings, all the patrons were younger, fitter, flirtier and that wasn't as comfortable for me when trying to figure out something new.

OK

Food.

Today I had coffee w/splenda and cream (I know, I know... I'll get some sweet n' low next time i'm at BJs ... at least it's not aspertame!) and Bob's cereal, super fortified with eggs and flax.  I brought a chicken breast, green beans and a grapefruit for lunch.  I was going to bring chips, too, to snack on but realized what a stupid idea that was, heh!

I've coffe... and I've almost drunk enough water to allow me to open the thermos, lol!

OK, so did eh in the food front this weekend.... not bad, but not great.   Fried foods tonight (fish, potatoes, chips)  and a meal from Delmonico's (at least I made it into TWO meals, go me!  I wouldn't have done that a year ago...) ... but overall not a bad eating weekend (a long weekend at that!)

I didn't get to the gym from Thurs-Sun which isn't great, but DID go tonight even though I plan to go tomorrow morning.  I did a full 30 min on treadmill plus warmup.  I burned  about 120 calories then promptly ate 600 calories worth of  glutano bars Mom gave me... oops! But, it's more than about calories (I'd have eaten those anyway)  it's about getting my body back to moving and building muscle and sweating out toxins!

I am wondering about breakfast. Should I eat before or after I work out?  I tend to not be hungry afterwards but if I don't roll out of bed and go to the gym I find reasons not to get there, especially since I have to wait an hour after swallowing my pill before I can eat ... which is better for my body, though? I don't know.  I don't suppose it matters since I really don't see me eating that early... but we'll see.

so...

yeah.

Fatigue is still powerful.  Back hurts (under left scapula) worse than before my chiro appt.   Weight still up.   IBS rearing it's ugly head.  But progress is slow and steady and that's the important bit, eh?  Progress.